I Really Am Trying.....really!

For some reason, today has been a hard day. I think it started last night, when Scott told me he was going to have to go away on a business trip......again! For the past couple of months, Scott has been gone almost every week for several days at a time. Maybe I'm just tired, I don't know. When he said he was leaving again, I felt like the gates opened and all the thoughts of things I'm working for wanting or waiting for, came at me like a bulldozer.

Today a lot of my thoughts were on Selah and the whole process of getting to her. I've been so patient and have waited so long. I've even encouraged Glenna and Vickie who are adopting with us to hang in there. I've been looking at Selah's precious face on my refrigerator for the past 3 plus months. This paper pregnancy has gone on for almost 17 months. I know I shouldn't complain, there are many who aren't as far as I am, and don't even have a referral yet. Knowing I shouldn't complain doesn't help!! I'm just wearing thin. I feel so weak concerning this process.

All I keep thinking is, there is a child who is in need of a family and just as importantly a heart surgery. The only thing that is keeping us apart is paperwork and formalities. How can that be? We have the very thing Selah/Ji ju needs: love, a home, a means for her surgery and a desire to get her here quickly.

I spent most the day battling these feelings and trying to tell myself it will happen when it happens. I even spent time on the phone with Dawn venting! (Thanks Dawn for the pep talk and the strong words to get me thinking straight! Maybe a good slap in the face would have worked but I'm glad you chose the method you did!!) Thank goodness she's such a good woman after God's heart, reminding me it's going to happen....soon, not to let it get to me now, I'm sooo close!!! I believe her with all my heart, but the stubborn pampered girl I am, is saying, "all right already.....let's get her home and let's start our new life. Let's get her surgery taken care of so I can rest knowing everything is going to be ok."

In reality, I know everything is going to be ok because I've placed the whole situation in God's hands. He knows her needs and has taken care of them thus far why would he take a break now. Psalm 121:4 God never sleeps nor slumbers!

It's amazing how the words to songs can almost touch the depths of the soul. Music is such an essential part of our family and God has used it as a means of reaching out to each one of us. As I was driving to pick up the boys from school, a song I hadn't heard in a very long time came on, and brought tears to my eyes: (Remember Me from Mark Schultz.) When he sang this And age to age And heart to heart Bound by grace and peace Child of wonder, Child of God I'll remember you Remember Me

It made me think how I am remembering her every single moment and she doesn't even know me to remember me!!!! I thought about how she is in China, not knowing God, and yet a Child of God who is binding her by His grace and His peace! A child who will be taught who her Creator is, and I can't wait to teach her. It made me wonder about her personality, is she a dreamer, strong willed, determined, happy or sad. Can she tie her shoes, is she missing any teeth yet, what is she afraid of? It made me miss her more than ever!!!

I wiped away the tears and waited patiently for the boys to come. I just whispered "God please help me through this!" The very next song I heard was this:

What Faith Can Do

Everybody falls sometimes Gotta find the strength to rise From the ashes and make a new beginning Anyone can feel the ache You think it’s more than you can take But you are stronger, stronger than you know Don’t you give up now The sun will soon be shining You gotta face the clouds To find the silver lining I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains Hope that doesn’t ever end Even when the sky is falling And I’ve seen miracles just happen Silent prayers get answered Broken hearts become brand new That’s what faith can do It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard Impossible is not a word It’s just a reason for someone not to try Everybody’s scared to death When they decide to take that step Out on the water It’ll be alright Life is so much more Than what your eyes are seeing You will find your way If you keep believing.
I had never heard that song before and am thankful for the timing. As I write this right now, I'm reminded about my conversation with Marilyn sharing with her my new attribute of God that I've been focusing on.... My Master...master of timing and of space. Even the conversation was timely. After the timing and hearing of that song I believe God is refreshing me with an extra measure of peace and strength as I await our TA. Glenna my dear friend and soon to be 2nd timer of adopting from the same orphanage and Vickie my e-mail adoption pen pal.... my love for you guys have grown as we've gone through this process together. My heart aches with yours and beats with the same sense of homesickness for my girl as yours does for your girls. One day we will be sipping White Chocolate Cappuccino's at a Starbucks near you laughing at the wonderfully silly things our girls are doing. I'll even buy!!!
Remember: You gotta face the clouds To find the silver lining .
Hang in there with me dear friends!!!! Forgive my weakness!!!!